A Haunting

There's something wrong with me. Horribly horribly wrong with me.

I don't think I have intimacy issues. 'Think' being the operative word here.

I love Antoni. He has been a sweetheart and an amazingly dear friend for 1.5 decades. I met him in Hawaii (I think he was trying to pick me up, but he was too young to know how, and I was too insecure to think that this adorable young man could possibly be interested in li'l ol' me!) and he moved away, ended up in Europe, and we lost track of each other. Until I moved to NY and found him online (don't spread it around, but he was on Match.com - I had to subscribe to get his email - that friend cost me $19.98 and countless spams!)

So we got in touch, and we hung out, and laughed and shared. I went to his house for Christmas. That was the last time I saw him.

See, I know that Antoni and I are not meant to be coupled up. We just aren't compatible. But he was after me many MANY years ago, I think, and I guess I was hoping that there was some bit of interest between us. And he looks good, and he would look good on my arm (that's so shallow, but I love going out with societally attractive people - I want to flipping turn heads when I go out!), and maybe I would have learned to tolerate him. You see, he's very sweet with nary a complaint at all. That's so not me. It'd be like the Elmo and Oscar the Grouch coupled up - both are sweet and endearing in their own way, but truth be told, you know Elmo would break out a frying pan and bash Oscar's head in after 2 months of that shit.

So at Antoni's Xmas get-together were his sister and her husband, some giant silver belt buckled, cowboy booted drawling Texan and his Mary Kay'd chiffon pantsuited truck driving wife (they were very nice, I just don't know how they fit in the picture), a co-worker of Antoni's, and Antoni's date. D.A.T.E.

And not only that, but he was the quintessential stereotypical obnoxious rich queen. And unanimously decided ugly. I was mortified by his existence. AND that Antoni saw something in him.

It made me think, 'If that's the kind of person Antoni's attracted to, and Antoni was attracted to me, then I must be.....HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!!!'

So I was scared to talk to Antoni for a while, lest I open my big yap and tell him things that are none of my business to say.

But I have since talked to Antoni and he has thankfully broken up with that guy (actually the guy broke up with him- pissed me off when I heard that), but now I feel awful and need to get together with Antoni, if for no other reason than that Antoni does provide humanity to my circle and I truly envy his outlook and demeanor and attention to self without being self-absorbed.

For some reason, I shun that. So resolved: I will be a better person and allow Antoni to humanize me. More.

Soon.