Don't be prostertizing on me!

So first of all, thank you to all my faithful blog followers. I'm fine, first of all. Computer-not so much. Stupidfriggingcomputercrashinginmidstream! I'm not even sure I can make it through this post without my computer crashing, but it seems to be getting better. Can computers fix themselves? Now that I think of it, all was well until I filed my taxes online. That was when the shit hit the fan and now my computer stays on for like five minutes before just going down. It's awful. But today, it stayed on for like an hour! Can computers fix themselves? If it's a virus, does it go away like a human virus and some sort of microchippy white cells attack it until it's all better? Should I feed it soup? And if so, which hole do I put it in?

Oh, so it leads to my new theory: George Bush is really pissed at me. All was well until I asked for my money back that I overpaid the government. THEN the computer crashes!! What a vengeful fucker. But color me surpised.

In the several days that I haven't been blogging, I've discovered a new love: sardines. They are de-lic-ious! And oh so good for you and oh so satisfying. They are one of the top 150 foods in terms of nutritional value. As are blueberries. I've yet to find a recipe mixing the two, though. I tend to be a bit monotonous with my diet, so this may stay with me for several weeks. Sardines on bagels with a side of asparagus and blueberries. I'm going to live to be 100. Not sure I want that though, so I'm going to have to revive my bad habits, I think. Just to level the playing field.

I'm on the subway (F Line) the other day, and there's a lovely young gal on the subway walking up and down the train singing. I have my iPod on, so I can't really hear her, so I turn my iPod off, but leave the earphones in, just so I can hear her but she doesn't know it, as my earbuds are still in my ears. And of course she singing Christian songs and is very happy about it, even though singing is not really one of her assets. But she's smiling and not hitting the notes exactly and I suspect just making the words up as she goes along. This is not too unusual on the trains in NY - there's always someone begging or singing or preaching. Kind of pisses me off. I mean, while I can appreciate that some people may enjoy mariachi bands or some guy that plays some sort of weird keyboard that he has attached a tube to and blows into to make the sound come out (I don't know how he does it - but he always plays the same songs, including 'Happy Birthday To You.'), or really loud drums, I also appreciate that many people probably don't share my taste in Dorothy Loudon or Bea Arthur, so I choose not to share it with them. Keep your flipping music to yourself and I'll keep mine to myself! You're welcome.

What I didn't mention was that this gal was direct off the boat from Asia. Evident by her command of the English language. So it was particularly odd to see someone who probably had not grown up Christian preaching on the subway, and rather hysterical that after she sang, she began to quote scripture. With lots of 'Hallelujah' thrown in. Only she didn't say 'Hallelujah' - she said 'Harerujah.' Lots of times. I really tried not to laugh, but I wasn't very successful at it. So you know like when you're in church and something strikes you as funny, but you know you can't laugh, so you stifle it, and end up shaking and bouncing in the pew? That's what I was doing. I had to turn Dorothy Loudon back on, so I didn't embarrass her or me too much.

AND THEN, that same day, en route back, there was another lady sitting across from me on the train. And she decided to eat a piece of pie from Trader Joe's she had bought. They had packed it in one of those clear takeout containers (clamshells they're called in the biz). So she opens the clamshell and has a plastic fork and plunges into the pie. But the crust must have been a little tough, because she struggled quite a bit to cut off a bite with her plastic fork. And the pie is sliding all over and she can't quite get through the crust. Very funny. So I'm trying not to giggle again, and I'm doing pretty good at it, until she finally gets a bite off the bigger piece. She stabs it with her fork, and brings the piece up to her mouth, and it falls off the fork back into the clamshell. She tries again. Same result. And again. And again.

So after like seventeen more attempts (at this point I'm laughing my ass off), she finally decides to get the clamshell closer to her mouth. But not like how you or I would do it. (Or me, at least. I don't even know you.) She instead bends her head down to her lap and then shovels the pie into her face! So she's eating out of her lap! I am of course, rolling on the floor at this point, and she is completely oblivious to the fact that she is being observed. And then, after two bites and twenty minutes, she decides she can't eat another bite she's so stuffed, and puts the pie back in her grocery bag. If it were me and I went to that much trouble, I can tell you that that pie would be totally eaten. Out of vengeance.

Life isn't funny, but idiots are.

p.s. http://www.asknataliehawaii.blogspot.com/

http://zerub-babel.blogspot.com/ (click on the fotolog link on the right hand side of the page to see some interesting artwork - I am not, unfortunately, one of the models. For now.)

Rotten Sex

So this morning I'm eating an orange, and I start choking. Not just a cough type choke, but the air passage blocked, no ability to breathe, total Heimlich time. I had to reach into my throat and pull that skin-membrane stuff out in order not to die. And my roommate is out of town, so in the worst case scenario (subjective), I could have been dead and lying there for days.

The theory of gravity was developed by Newton watching an apple fall. The wheel was invented by cavemen observing a boulder roll down a mountain. Archimedes figured out volume from getting in his tub. Bob discovered the purpose of sex by choking on an orange.

So maybe the purpose of sex isn't for procreation. I think that's pretty much disproved by gay people. And that sex doesn't necessarily make babies. Maybe pregnancy is just a side effect of sex, like drowsiness or nausea.

And maybe its not for recreation. Lord knows there is such thing as unfun sex. Did you know that there is a fetish where people want you to puke on them?! It's called 'emetophilia.'

Maybe sex is so we don't have rotting corpses all over the place.

If you think about it, it makes sense. If we're sexually and monogamously active, you have someone out there who is going to notice you're missing before your decaying body starts to become a nuisance. If you die. Even if it's just your jump-off (if you don't know what that is, look it up or figure it out) and there's not really any connection other than physical, that person(s) is gonna get the urge within the next couple of days and look for you. They (or their genitals) is gonna seek you out and find your dead body laying in the kitchen with a half-eaten orange in one hand and orange membrane sticking out of your mouth. IF you die.

So sex is like the urbanized version of the vulture. Or maggots. Like these scavengers, sex prevents decaying flesh from littering our streets and polluting the air. That's the Republicans' job.

And you always hear these stories about the spinster that was found in her (or his) house after laying there dead for like days or weeks. Do you think these people were getting nookie before they keeled? I don't.

Where did Einstein publish his theories? I got one for 'em.