Clean (sober?)

So I'm cleaning the house today - Rachel's coming to visit with Clementine! Had to clean the hardwood and tile floors which have been swept, but not properly cleaned in a while. First of all let me say that I'm not really a messy person- I clean up after myself, I can't sleep if there's dirty dishes, and 'Martha Stewart's Book of Housekeeping,' which has everything in it from how to store photo albums to a daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly checklist of cleaning duties and how to clean each iota in the house, well, that's my Bible. Sorry, ultra-conservative brother, I have false idols, and thy name be Martha.

That being said, OH MY GOD I never saw a terry cloth floor mop become black so quickly. I don't know what kind of dirt infested dumping ground I've been sloshing through, but I dragged it all in and cleaned the bottom of my shoes on the floor, apparently. Oh wait, I know where I've been - Manhattan. Plus, since I have my windows open year round, as it's 132 DEGREES in here!, I guess Manhattan billows through. I love the city, but it's an effluvial sump, to quote Tom Wolfe (sound smart, ain't I?). And does a mop HAVE to be white? I guess it makes it easy to see the dirt being lifted, but I'm not sure I really want to see what a pig I am. How 'bout a baby blue? Or chartreuse - it would complement my walls.

So while I'm chipping the caked-on mud off my floor, as it would seem, I have the TV on. I leave it on Bravo channel, just so I'm not getting the noise of the lowest of low brow entertainment, soap operas. And today they decide to class it up with reruns of 'Hey Paula,' the reality show where they follow Paula Abdul around so she can prove she's not a mess. But the show's taping happens to coincide with the time she's plugging 'American Idol' on the morning shows, and she is drunker than... well, she's very drunk (I don't know the proper analogy). OH! She's drunker than me at the office Christmas party! They said it was because she was very tired and had simultaneous conversations in her headphones. But I've been tired before, and I have had several people talking at me at once, but I have never giggled and slurred my words and made non-sequiturs as a result. Maybe she's just too special, and I can't wrap my non-special brain around the magnitude of how she can only react. Or maybe it was altitude sickness - like Mars. Or altitude sickness - like high.

But I digress. The point is that she is a horrible, horrible person. She couldn't renovate her house because the place she was going to rent for TWO MONTHS wasn't decorated to her liking (I think she wanted like pink heart pillows and flowy lace and stuff, but she got tasteful instead), she cried and cried and cried because there was a snow storm and the flights were delayed so that she couldn't get her hair stylist AND her publicist to NY in time for her David Letterman appearance (just comb your own fucking hair!), she fractured her hip tripping over her dog (yeah, right - she tripped like 8 times in one episode alone, and there weren't no dog near her then), etc. And then, interspersed throughout this fascinating documentary of Paula Abdul's life, there were cuts of associates and co-workers, all repeating the same chant about what a great person she is, and how hard-working she is, and how she perseveres through all this personal turmoil and all this other spoon fed load of crap. But there is something I did learn that I found interesting: did you know she's white? Or at least her parents are. I guess we can't really be too sure that there wasn't a black mailman or milkman making deliveries nine months before she was born, but it seems she thinks that that's her real dad. That's probably why she's stoned out her gourd most of the time.

And today at the gym, I'm taking a shower, and this other guy in another stall decides to start a conversation. Which is a little odd in and of itself - guys in the shower don't tend to acknowledge other guys in the shower (unless you're in a gym in Chelsea, which is where I was. But this guy was stereotypically straight). But he says this: "I'M SHO'NUFF GLAD I GOTS ME A MEMBERSHIP TO ALL THE BALLY'S GYMS!" And he's screaming this really loud, I mean really really loud, like he's gonna have a sore throat after. And then he looks at me for a response. (pause) I don't know how to respond to to that. What was I supposed to say? So I just nod or something and say, 'hmmm,' and then he says, "BUT THIS BALLY'S DON'T GOT NO SAUNA." Which it doesn't, so again I don't know what to say. But he's still looking at me, so I say, "Well, we just turn the water on really hot and pretend." And then he laughs. Loud. Five minutes. I got out of there pretty quick after that, lest my eardrums implode.

See 'Slumdog Millionaire.' Amazing.

p.s. When you write a blog entry, at the bottom of the screen it gives you the option of labeling the post, and it gives you examples. Here's the text verbatum:

Labels for this post:e.g. scooters, vacation, fall

Now why do you think out of the tens of options they had for examples they chose 'scooters?' My posts aren't labeled - labeled as what?

Music to my mouth

Yvonne De Carlo: Munster, femme fatale, award winning actress, dweller on my iPod.

Some appropriate responses to someone when they say, "You have Yvonne De Carlo on your iPod?!"

-"You mean you don't?"

-"Well, granted, she's no Vampire Weekend..."

-"Why, yes. Yes I do. Right before Linda Lavin (Alice) and after Charlotte Rae (Diff'rent Strokes)."

-"It's a duet with her and Ladysmith Black Mambazo."

-"It's a duet with her and Marilyn Manson."

-"It's a duet with her and Oasis."

-"Not that Yvonne De Carlo! It's the other one that has this amazing contralto voice and recorded an album of standards and starred in tons of musicals, including 'Follies.' Oh wait, it is that Yvonne De Carlo."

-"Well, there's no accounting for taste. Nice shirt."

I could go on. And then this friend/co-worker (who has made numerous appearances in this blog) and I are having lunch today. Suddenly, this jolt of pain shears through my molar as I bite into a plantain. (Yes, I had plantains for lunch.) It was like a Hitler experiment the pain was so intense. I think I bit a piece of aluminum foil on a filling, although no aluminum foil appeared afterward.

"Well, that shut you up for forty-five seconds," was his response as I held my mouth in agony.

No 'Oh gosh! Are you OK?' or 'Do you need help? Water? Anything?' or any inkling of sensitivity or compassion. Just 'Well, that shut you up for forty five seconds.'

We're very close.

Reason #37 why I don't drink, or reason #3 why I'm a jerk

There once was a guy from East Elmhurst
Who had friends and secrets he put first
His elbow he tipped
His lips went unzipped
And now he feels bad in the worst.
Way.

So you are all forewarned from this point - if you tell me something whilst I have a drink in my hand, I may reveal it later. The onus is now on you, not me. I am no longer culpable.

The office party was the other night. It was horrifying. And the problem was not with the party itself, but the expectations of the party. We were told that one of the purposes of this party was to introduce some of the younger and more urban employees to a taste of what a more respectable venue might be than the inner city clubs.

So why was there a stripper? And why did we have a comedian who couldn't utter a sentence without profanities of the genitalia? And where was the 'butlered service?' And the music was absolutely unacceptable. But thanks for bringing in 'Juicy and The Kitten' as a singing duo. I really think they were a comedy team though, because they dressed sort of cheerleader/whore-y, but were a little girthy for the costumes. And I hope to God they were drunk, because if they sing like that sober, they have absolutely no career ahead of them at all, unless it's at Home Depot. Maybe this was an interview process.

Now, had they said that this was going to be a party to introduce some of the more mature and cultured staff members to a more urban form of entertainment, it would have been understood. I wouldn't have gone, but it would have been understood.

But don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I got a keychain out of the whole ordeal.

So I mentioned to this other buddy/co-worker (A) that this other guy (B)was a looker.

And this buddy (A)mentioned that looker-guy (B)was getting some. That's all he said. But what this buddy (A) didn't know was a previous conversation I had with this mutual friend/co-worker female (C) where I was trying to pair her up with looker(B), and she (C) decided that he(B) would be someone she may enjoy knowing more intimately.

So I deduced from buddy/co-worker's (A) statement that looker-guy (B) was hooking up with female co-worker (C). I had no idea! I was shocked!

So I did not IMMEDIATELY run to (C), as one (A) may lead you to believe, to tell her I know her secret. I waited at least an hour and another shot of Dewar's before I went to (C) to tell her I know her secret.

BUT (C) couldn't wait to run to (A) to confront him with revealing her secret. But he (A) didn't really reveal anything, as he didn't know I (D, I guess) had already dropped the idea in (C)'s head in the first place about hooking up with (B).

And one of my co-workers stole a bottle of tequila in the bar. Is that supposed to be a secret, too, I wonder?

Eruptions

So again, I'm a little newsed out. What more can be said about Blogojevich and the economy and the auto bailout, anyway?

Except did you see what Blogojevich's wife said? She was in the background of one of the recorded phone messages screaming at her husband, "Hold up that fucking Cubs shit! Fuck them!" She was referring to the postponement of the sale of Wrigley Field unless money was made in the appointment of the new senator. Don't you just want to eat her up? I bet she's the bomb at PTA (she's the mother of two). "YOU bake the fucking brownies for the bake sale! I have some real estate fucking business to tend fucking to!" She's already under investigation for some shady real estate deals. PS: her family disowned her two years ago and they haven't spoken since. And her family is a bunch of politicians! You gotta be pretty awful if a group of politcians say, 'enough is enough!'

But I can't talk about that right now because I'm watching THE BEST SHOW EVER!! You know that Ultimate Fighting thing where they beat the crap out of each other? As far as I can tell, it's a game where these twenty-somethings take their clothes off and rub on each other until someone rings a bell. Certainly rings MY bell! It's a REALLY good show, except for the kidney punches, which makes me throw up a little bit. I don't know which one I'm rooting for -they're both so hot, err, competitive. (This just in-Efrain Escudero wins! I guess his kidney punches were somehow more impressive. I don't think it was his kidney punches, exclusively.)OK, I'm not that shallow (!). I have been flipping between this and a National Geographic special. About a whale in Taiwan. It died, so they were transporting it on the back of truck through town, and it exploded. No one knows why. Just blew up. Splattered everything up and down the block. Whale guts everywhere. Very interesting. True story.

Muppets on ice

Today I went to the Czech puppet musical about the Julian and Ethel Rosenberg trial. Not the famous Kander and Ebb or Sondheim versions, but a new one. Sort of experimental. Obviously. I won't give away the ending, in case anyone goes to see it, but I will say that the symbolism is not exactly subtle. The actors spend most of their time holding picture frames around their faces, except the prosecuting attorneys. Like they were 'framed' - get it?! And the set was scaffolding and all kinds of frames were hanging from them - picture frames, window frames, bed frames. Not subtle.

Boy is it flippin' cold! Feels worse, I think, in the East Village and NoHo, because of the wind whipping around the buildings. Like minus 42 feeling.

It's me, isn't it?

So I was approached yesterday in the gym. It is flattering and this guy was unconventionally a looker. Sort of an Anthony Rapp type guy, except a little stockier and bald. I thought, 'hmm, could be interesting.' His name is Bill.

So here's the gist of the conversation, in play form!

Bill: How's the workout?

Bob: Ugh. Thanksgiving is not any one's friend afterwards, is it?

Bill: (laughs) Just got to come more often, I guess.

Bob: Yeah, I guess, but surgery is looking more appealing. My name's Bob.

Bill: I'm Bill.

Bill holds his fist out to Bob in an offer to 'knuckle punch.' Bob looks at the fist quizzically then understands the gesture. Bob raises his fist and they touch knuckles.

Bill: Nice to meet you. Next time I see you, I'll have my card to give you.

Bob: That'd be great.

Bill: I don't have any cards now, because I don't have a job. I was in real estate, but the market's so bad....

Bob: Yeah. Must be tough.

Bill: It is. Thank God for my dad. I live with him now. In New Jersey.

Bob: Oh. Wish my dad would take me in.

Bill: He's the best. I love my dad. (pause) Well, see ya later.

Bill gets up from the machine and walks away.

END

I assume he's unlucky in love. Or I am.

Animals on TV

Has anyone seen "Bad Girls Club?" We've reached an all-time low. And it's in season 3, apparently!

So it's this TV reality show where this group of self-proclaimed 'bad girls' live in a house together and they are boozed and sexed up and fight and spit and scream at each other. It's on Oprah's channel, Oxygen, which was started to be the woman's channel of choice.

Oprah must be spinning in her grave.

How is this degrading exploitative show in any way a positive commentary on the woman of today? It's absolutely awful. I can't believe there is a human being out there who gave a green light to this show and thought that this is a good idea.

Yes, I know that Oprah is no longer affiliated with Oxygen (she sold her stake in it to NBC) and Oprah is really beyond gender identification, but didn't some semblance of the original vision of Oprah, some tiny thread of history, remain in their mission statement?

It was a late night, I couldn't sleep, and I was newsed out. Never again. Gender equality has been set back 40 years. No,more than that, because these women are absolute neanderthals. And Star Jones was hosting this reunion of the "Bad Girls." Have you seen her recently? What the hell is that? There's something physiologically wrong with her. If her options are to be fat or be like she is now, fat should be a serious consideration.

Israel called the other day. Not the country - the hot guy from Mexico, now Montreal. He left a message, as I was at work and couldn't pick up the phone. It was the most adorable message ever, and I have it saved and listen to it regularly. Am I getting charged for each time I call my voice mail? I should check into it. I went on a date(!) last Sunday with this really nice guy, but I couldn't stop thinking about Israel. Michael (the date(!)) is a super nice guy and very handsome and charming, but it's safe to say that we can be friends. It was nice to have a real date of sorts, though.

In the meantime, Jeff and I are maintaining phone contact. He's this other guy I met and he has the sexiest voice over. Very great guy and professional and respectable and handsome, but he's very busy and we have not had the opportunity to see each other, so we 'phone date.' That's OK for now, but we should see each other in person soon, or I'm gonna have to cut him off. 8 months from now, or it's oversville!

And Rosie is doing this really good thing by auctioning off things as a fundraiser for her Rosie's Kids organization. BUT she's auctioning off a VIP package to Ringling Brothers Circus? Ringling Brothers is currently in federal court defending its right to ABUSE ANIMALS!!! Look it up! People that know me know my history with animal rights. I've spoken to groups, I've protested, I've tried to educate people in the streets about what they are doing that is abusive or neglectful to their pet, and Rosie has made numerous claims as to her support for animals. SO WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING THE CIRCUS, ROSIE? http://www.ticketnews.com/ASPCA-v-Feld-Entertainment-trial-rescheduled-to-next-year1186284

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/04/0406_040406_circuselephants.html

But I want to have lunch with Gavin Creel. It's part of the auction.

Perceptions

So I'm not in Canada for Thanksgiving - big deal. Wanna fight about it?

Yes, I had these huge romantic plans to make a lovely little trip up to beaut-i-ful DOWNTOWN MONTREAL!! (said like a game show emcee), get a quaint room at a bed and breakfast just big enough for two, explore the city by day and candlelit dinners and whisper sweet nothings at night. I was going to woo Israel into my web and make sure our two hodgepodge lifes blend into one beautiful piece of art.

I don't know where he is.

I didn't romanticize and project something that wasn't there, did I? That's so unlike me!!!

Actually, I'm usually very pragmatic. Unitarianism, financially conservative (now), socially practical. So while it really isn't unlike me to plan my future out on a whim and a wing (how does that phrase go? ), it is unlike me to not have complete control of how to get to that future.

Don't get me wrong-the end of the Earth for Israel and all that - I mean, he is there on a business (of some sort) trip, and is staying in what sounds like a frat house. I have no idea how long he is going to be there (2 weeks? 2 months? 2 decades?) so maybe I just need to keep with the flow and just keep romance at a distance. I think he has similar feelings towards me, or I'm led to believe. Or he's a big fat sadist fucker.

So I'm having the downstairs lesbians for Thanksgiving instead. I know what I said. Maybe this other guy that I'm quasi-romancing, too, if his other plans fall through.

Yesterday, I'm talking to this pal. He's a big guy- tall and muscular and German. Now, a couple of months ago, someone saw us together and asked if we were related. Which is funny, because while I am of European descent, I am neither tall and arguably, not muscular. I say toned. So yesterday I see him and remind him of how similar we are to that lady.

"Yeah, like the movie 'Twins!'" he says.

Now, obviously I am not the Arnold Schwarzeneggar in this simile. Which means I am being compared to Danny DeVito. What?!?! Really? People look at me and think I look like a hedgehog? Because that's what Danny DeVito looks like - a humanized hedgehog. Actually, even a hedgehog-ized hedgehog. He looks like a hedgehog. Big fat hairy smelly squinty-eyed hedgehog.

I mean, he could have said Mini-me. Or the movie 'Stuck on You,' with Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear. But no - he had to pick the ugliest, most repulsive, hedgehogiest human being ever and compare him to me. Thanks for the reality check. Tastes like chicken. I wish these people would stop serving me chicken.

Saturay morning cartoons and breakfast

I thought it would be a good idea to pick up some of those cereal bars to munch on when I get a hankering, which I figured to be better for me and more economical (thanks Wall Street!) than the normal 1 pint of Hagen Dazs I eat as a nightcap. And, incidentally, Hagen Dazs has some nerve listing those tiny little pints as servings for 4!! The (lack of) nutritional value listed on the side doesn't look so horribly bad until you multply it by 4, and then, OH MY GOD!!! I can eat no fat until 2023 to make up for all the Hagen Dazs I have ingested. Maybe then I'll catch up to my suggested intake. And how is it that I'm struggling to gain weight? I'm not the only one downing one of those Hagen Dazs at a time, am I? One of these days I 'm gonna regret it, I suspect. Hubris can't be pretty.

So the cereal bars: they taste a whole lot better slathered in peanut butter. Yeah, like you've never done it.

How's that Bush thing going? Is it like he's Snidely Whiplash twirling his pencil moustache between his fingers while he thinks of some evil shenanigans to get his grubby cloven hooves into? Now he wants to KILL ENDANGERED SPECIES!!!! It's so true.

Here's the headline: Bush set to relax endangered species rules

And the way he wants to relax the rules is to no longer have the scientists or biologists have any input into projects that disturb the ecosystem, i.e. every building project. Instead, the builders or those funding the building themselves will determine if their project will effect wildlife. That's like having the tobacco companies determine the carcinogen level of cigarettes! Oh, wait....

Is it just me or is this just evil? And notice how he's doing this as a lame duck. Is he just clearing his way to his future plans in the business? Why would he wait til now? Because he is also eliminating the requirement that greenhouse gasses emitted from the building be assessed as to their effect on wildlife. And we know Bush luuuvs his oil drilling! He's not very good at it, but he loves to do it.

And the Interior Department is working like mad to get this done by the Friday deadline. So here I am thinking that the Interior Department should be an advocate of the interior.

I've been perusing the news channels on the TV to see what their two cents are on this. Network news - nothing. MSNBC - nothing. CNBC - nothing. Fox - I dunno. Like I'm gonna watch Fox.

This is major news!!!! Bush wants to kill sea turtles and robins! For God's sake, somebody do something! Pelosi says that she will do everything she can to prevent this:

The House, in consultation with the incoming administration and relevant committees, will review what oversight tools are at our disposal regarding this and other last minute attempts to inflict severe damage to the law in the waning moments of the Bush administration.

Yeah, Nancy. By all means, review your tools!! She never said she was gonna do anything about it, but she's all about reviewing her tools.

Review this.

You gotta have friends, la la de da da

Do you know the author Molly Mcnett? You don't?! I do and she is absolutely a doll!

That's Molly up there. We went to ISU together and had some acting classes together and some awful theatre lit (or something) class with this teacher who had no business teaching and a big scar on her chest. Get her book, "One Dog Happy." Molly's book, not scar-chest gal's. It's a great read and a bunch of short stories. It's a Pulitzer Prize winner, you know. Well, some award, I forgot which one, but it's a big deal. She did a reading at KGB Bar with two other authors. I'll leave it at I found hers the most enjoyable of the three out of deference to her co-readers. I think it's just that their books probably didn't lend themselves well to excerpt reading as well. Or maybe it's that Molly has to be one of my top 10 favorite people. Ever.

I went to this restaurant before the reading to grab a quick bite, and lo and behold! in walked Molly with her entourage. Her husband Dan is very funny and witty and he's a great guy that bought me a beer after the reading. And not just any beer, but a Guinness! Very classy man! Thanx Dan!

And her buddy Joe is also a very handsome urbane gentleman who (I think inadvertently) picked up the tab for my salmon dinner, while the other 6 people shared a plate of nachos. I certainly owe him something! Thanx Joe!

So we went out after the reading, as previously stated, and let me tell you: Irish guys have the BEST stories! Another bud of Molly and Dan's, Daru (?) had a HUGE HYSTERICAL story about his drunk uncle and his criminal cousin. I couldn't even begin to relate the story to you, but it began with a drunk crying on an entry stairway in the Lower East, to an Irish petrol station slash golf accessory store, to the IRA controlled docks of Dublin. Add a hallway filled with baseball bats and a crime spree in Perth, Australia, and I think you can piece the story together from that.

The night ended with a rousing rendition of "Danny Boy" and hugs and reminiscences. Except the "Danny Boy" part, it's all true. I loved last night!

You know, I had this really depressing talk with this other pal of mine. He was trying to convince me that online dating is quite the thing to do. And it makes sense, he says, as I am not really a big out-on-the-town kind of guy and really not even a big people person. I'm very content seeing a show or having dinner for one, but sometimes it would be nice to have a co-hort, I just got to find the guy that I'm not going to want to stab in the eye after the evening's done. That's the clincher. I accept my one-ness, as the alternative is prison.

But online dating seems so desperate and frankly, loserish. Not to mention I currently have an unattainable crush that I have fantasized into my Mr. Right. Israel (the object of my affection, not the country) has probably not the same delusion. Did I mention he lives in Mexico? Or that he's in his 20s? And that I am not in my 20s, or even 30s? But he is absolutely adorable and stimulating intellectually and physically (Rafael Nadal look-a-like)and if he came right now and said he needed $10000 and my right pinky, I'd tell him let's go to the bank first as I don't want to get pinky blood on the money. We email frequently and exchange online smooches and hugs, but I'm not an idiot. Not MUCH of an idiot. And he's the one that picked me up! Probably some freaky father figure thing.

But this guy was saying to just do it (the online dating thing), and no harm no foul, blah blah blah, and I should post a picture on some sites. He seemed shocked that I don't really have a picture of myself (does everyone have a self pic on their computers?), so I said that he should take my picture.

Well, for some reason, that was ABSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION, and I should get some friend to do it!

As I said ad nauseum, that people person thing stays at work, so my circle of friends is small. And I think it's weird and uncomfortable to ask anyone to take my photo so I can meet fatty losers online (present company excluded). And besides, isn't he the one who brought it up in the first place? And,if it's ABSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION for him to take my pic, why should it be in the question for anyone else to do it? And thanks for reminding me that the one person in whom I've confided quite a bit in and have thought of as a confident all these months really can't be bothered with solutions, but by all means throw the tons of problems out on the plate! Tastes like chicken! Unrefrigerated botulism-infested grey sickly bird flu chicken. With a side of Brussels sprouts.

Actually, I like Brussels sprouts.

But was it 'colored' flour?

PARIS – U.S. actress Lindsay Lohan has been pelted with a flour bomb on arrival at a Paris nightclub wearing a fur stole.
Animal rights activists showered the 22-year-old actress with flour when she went to the VIP Room Theater in the early hours of Saturday with her friend, disc jockey Samantha Ronson.

(sic)ening

I got this e-mail yesterday:

YOU START A BLOG (sic) YOU GET FOLLOWERS (sic) YOU DROP THE BALL(sic) WE GET NOTHING................HOW FUKED(sic) IS THAT ....ASSHOLE!

Can you believe it? I HAVE FOLLOWERS!! It's an actual fan letter from an actual (albeit angry) person! Tell mom I told her so, I am worthy of someones attention!! No more therapy - no more imaginary friends - just smooooth sailing!

Yesterday I'm walking down 6th Avenue in beautiful midtown New York, and behind me, I hear this scream. Well, not so much a scream as it was a high-pitched whirring sound. I honestly thought it was mechanical until I hear a lady scream, "Why did you do that?!?!" At that I turn around and there is a middle-aged woman screaming and pointing at a young thug who has continued to walk on. I'm thinking that maybe he just walked by and hit her or something. So I'm all ready to head him off (he's coming toward me), and then she continues, "He just HIT THAT BIRD!!! CALL THE POLICE! 911!! HE'S A MONSTER!!" And she keeps repeating, "YOU MONSTER! YOU'RE A MONSTER!!"

OK, now anyone that knows me knows my feelings about animal rights and the ASPCA commercials make me cry every time, and I stand outside circuses and protest animal abuses (Ringling Brothers HATES me! Well, if they knew me, they would surely at least roll their eyes towards me), I have spoken to groups concerning dogfighting and abuses in the entertainment industry, I volunteer when I can at the ACC in Harlem walking and cleaning up the runny stools of abandoned dogs. I am big into animals.

That being said, have you ever tried to hit a bird? Don't they just move out of the way faster than you can throw a punch? And how do you even throw a punch at a pigeon? And, no defense of this guy, but the bird in question was just on the curbside pecking at the sidewalk, seemingly oblivious to the broo-ha-ha of which he/she was in the middle. I'm a big believer in survival of the fittest (like the old ladies getting hit while crossing the street: if they're too slow or too stupid to use the crosswalk with the light, maybe this is nature's way of weeding out the ones that our modern science has kept alive with pills and treatments. I'm just saying.), so was this slow dumbassed bird just in the process of making way for the quicker smarter pigeons?

And as for calling 911 - I've tried that for real animal abuse and abandonment. They were not exactly responsive.

This thug ultimately turned around and started yelling something in his defense, so he obviously did do an awful thing and I had to stop and compose myself, as I realized that I did witness a man who has treated an animal probably the same way he treats his baby mama and kids and I did nothing.

AND THEN, this other guy on the street - mid-20s, groomed and wearing a sleeveless t-shirt exposing arms that probably measured the same as his IQ (it's mid November in New York - what kind of idiot is wearing sleeveless?) stopped and waited for the original thug to catch up to him so they could laugh at the lady together is some sort of caveman brotherhood. And they didn't even know each other!

I don't get straight guys. In every sense you can take that sentence. I'm all about respect and tolerance (not in that order) for other cultures, but really? I thought that kind of thing only happens in B movies with the 2-dimensional high school bully who gets a milkshake thrown in his face at the burger joint for the climax of the movie. Why is hitting a bird the bond of straight brotherhood?

Maybe survival of the fittest can't be applied an all situations.

Proposition 8 rally pic

th

That's me a little to the left. Kidding. There were 10,000 people in front of the Mor(m)on Church. As you probably know, the Mormons were the major contributors to this awful piece of legislation, something about saving their families or something.

So if you really want to save the family, where's the legislation banning divorce? Isn't that the real problem, according to the right wingers? Dissolution of the family? Seems to me you may want to target the 50+% of the couples that want to break up the family, not the 10% that want to have a traditional family.

I USED to have a dream...

Obviously, I consider myself pretty well informed and able to discuss contemporary matters fairly lucidly. However, I remained pretty ignorant about Proposition 8 until the day of the election. Last night I went to a peaceful protest/march to oppose the passage of Proposition 8, and I overheard a guy being interviewed and he was talking about how the majority of black voters voted for Prop 8.

I didn't believe him. 'Why would a group that fought for their own civil rights so dutifully and vigilantly oppose someone else's civil rights?' I thought.

Now let me pre-empt my rant here for a brief moment. While I fancy myself a militant gay, I don't want to get married. 'Marriage' is a label defined by straight Christian values, of which none I have. I don't need society's label to identify or define my relationship with another man so teeny weeny minds can wrap themselves around my own personal committed relationship. Screw you! I can have my committed relationship on my own terms without you sticking your fat face into my business, so thank you for your interest, but fuck off and keep your cute little labels with your feast in your dining room, and let me have my stale-assed crumbs in the goddammed corner of the kitchen! Jeez!

That being said, if anyone gay or lesbian wants to assimilate and dream of passing as a straight couple, power to 'em. No skin off my nose.

Oh, wait - that's not the real beef I have. 70% of black voters chose to dis-allow gay couples to enter a legal committed relationship. 70%! That's 7 out of 10. Here I am, like most gay Americans, thanking the stars above that we have come to a point where a black man (although he is as much white as he is black - that's a whole new subject. When we get a dark-skinned gay female named Kenyatta Mbodgeckilou as president, or any federal elected position, then I'll say that discrimination has ended.) can be my president, and the same group that turned out to vote in record numbers to say 'this is my country, too, and I no longer accept the current socio-political values as my values' also decided that civil rights ALREADY in place should be rescinded. This is a huge problem. What are they thinking?! Apparently, all these black churches came out and said that gay marriage is awful, and the congregations listened. And also, polls show that African American women were making a statement to all the black men on the 'down-low' that their women ain't gonna take it no mo'. How this prevents their men from getting ass-plowed, I'm not sure.

It wasn't too long ago when a black man wasn't allowed to marry a fat white chick or a Japanese girl. Now, they can marry all big-assed white chicks or Asian tangs they want, thanks to me, basically. And now, they got the nerve to say that they don't approve of MY relationships? Guess what? I no longer approve of your relationships! I hereby shun and no longer recognize all straight interracial couples. I don't believe they are good for my family values, so I shun them.

But only the interracial California couples. I got some good people here that are interracial - I got their backs.

Theories on Palin #2

I hate to beat a dead horse (or maverick, as the case may be), but I meant to mention this weeks before. Palin did not have a baby 6 months ago! It's true!

Here's what we know:

(1) When Palin announced her pregnancy (she was 5 months pregnant at announcement), Bristol was taken out of school for many months. The supposed diagnosis was mononucleosis.

(2) Palin was in Texas preparing to give a speech when her water broke. She stayed to give her speech, got on an airplane and flew to Alaska (with a layover in Washington), drove 45 more minutes to the hospital, and out came the baby.
A 12 hour (minimum) commute from Texas to hospital.

(3) Bristol had already arrived at the same hospital, supposedly awaiting her mother's arrival.

Conclusion: Either Sarah Palin had no intention on giving a live birth, or she wasn't going to have a baby and was wearing a fat suit.

You think that Bristol is now pregnant debunks my theory? Watch:

Bristol's pregnancy is announced 5 months into her gestation, and four months after Trig is born.

So, obviously (!), Sarah had progressive pregnant suits to simulate the increasing belly size of a pregnant woman. Then, when she was selected as the Republican running mate, they had to do some quick thinking to quash the existing rumors of the unwed daughter-mother. So Bristol then adopted her mother's SAME pregnant suits, the Republicans made the big announcement of the new budding family and unsuccessfully attempted to make roses out of huge pile of shit.

And now it appears that Sarah P. has debunked the theory of her pregnant daughter BY MAKING HER DAUGHTER APPEAR PREGNANT! "See? Trig isn't Bristol's baby, because Bristol is pregnant now!" And you can't be five months pregnant if you had a baby four months ago. Unless your mom already has the fat suit to wear.

It's all so obvious, I don't know why this hasn't become common knowledge already.

Where's MY bailout?

I thought maybe I would write this blog to share about my life and its goings-on, how just full of life! I am, and how a single guy makes it in a married world. But can we do anything else politically to piss me off?

So GM, Chrysler and Ford now want their piece of the pie. They are collectively asking Congress for a $25 billion (BILLION!) bailout for their woes. I totally understand: all those Wall Street honchos got their $700 billion, why can't they get some?

Well, maybe we shouldn't have given $700 billion to companies going belly up (which, by the way is about $57,341.96 per person over the age of 18 in the US) in the first place. Maybe we were just supposed to suck it up, tighten our belts and figure out Plan B without the Wall Street gurus getting their bonuses. Maybe we were supposed to give $57,341.96 to each adult American and see what happens to the economy from that. Oh, wait. We can't. WE'RE BROKE!!!
(see that little square in the right? $57,341.96 is close to how much I have to pay to get this country out of this predicament.)

But now, $25 BILLION MORE?!!?!? For a conglomerate of antiquated albatrosses that can't make a car that gets more that 20 mpg ?

OK - so let's put this in a historical analogy. Billions of years ago (unless you're a Creationist, in which case it was 500 years ago or something like that), there were dinosaurs. Lots of them. Lets say there were 3 biggies: The Sebringasaurus, the Saturnasaur, and the Explorerodon. But then there was something awful that happened, and they died off. Most of them, anyway.

Some survived. Because of their genes, or adaptability, or maybe just luck, they survived and are still around. The Mazdasaurus Rex, the Nissanaridon, the Yugo. Still around because they adapted to their environment and able to co-exist with other species.

Are we playing with Mother Nature if we bail these guys out? What if all the dinosaurs survived? Would we be where we are? I mean, we know how to avoid sharks and alligators, but I don't think I can outrun a velociraptor. (I think I can outrun a Yugo, though).

And anyway, I don't think the great dinosaurs were holding hands with the oil companies and lobbyists, thank God. They'd still be alive and receiving billions of dollars if they had.

Halloween in Chelsea

So this was a blast! I say screw Christmas or New Year's or Easter - Halloween's the shiznit!

From left to right: Brandon my roommie as "Teen Wolf," Rachel his wife as "Schoolgirl Teen Wolf Victim" (she just drove in from PA and she's a smartypants Postgrad - great costume for the amount of time she had to plan), me as "Accident Prone Construction Worker."

And this was super-cheap and not too hard to do, thanks to Al M. The major expense was the plastic chain saw ($20), and the hat ($7) and blood and makeup ($4). Time was maybe 1/2 hour from the start to out the door (skipping the drying time for the adhesive to keep the saw upright in the hat. Looking at the hat, I needed more blood coming down the front. OH! And blood red fingernail polish (for the hat blood) (99 cents).

I had so many people stopping me in the streets taking my pic! And I learned that my new drink is whiskey and ginger ale!

Happy Halloween!

SACRILEGE!

Still riding a high wave after the massive MASSIVE upset over the conservative right-winged, backwards-thinking upwoods inbred, maleducados (my feelings of camaraderie with the losers has waned a bit). Obama's speech was heartfelt and important, and I don't care what you say - I'm a huge fan of Rahm Emanuel (try that link and let me know if it works), and Obama has a gorgeous family. BUT...

What was Michelle Obama wearing and who dressed her? Was that burst of red on the black dress symbolic of a blood splatter? And that satin cummerbund-slash-sheath-slash-girdle? Did she even look in the mirror, bless her heart?

Now don't get me wrong - if Michelle was running against Barack, I'd vote for her. It seems she has the same economic and social views of Barack, but honestly, if there was a throw down between Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran and Michelle, my money's is on her. But between Ahmadinejad and B. Obama, I'd consider the odds very carefully, and then I wouldn't bet.

And how grumpy is everyone at the White House today? Like father, like son...

PRESIDENT Obama's acceptance speech

If you didn't see this, read it. If it doesn't bring a tear to your eye, see a doctor.

And it is so-

I can't write too much right now. 11:19pm and Barack Obama is the winner with 333 electoral votes to McCain's 149. I am full. Joy. Glee. Ecstasy. Hope.

We are getting ready to hit a Bush pinata, but my feelings have changed. 3 hours ago, I would have loved to have taken a bat to the real Bush. And watching Palin now. And hearing McCain's concession speech. 3 hours ago I would have loved to rub their collective noses in the shit they created. Now, I feel I want to shake their hands, say "Good game," and go out and have a drink with them.

I won. Obama is my president. Tears fall. I am full.

What the Hell was that?

So it's 20 mins later. I just voted. I think. Maybe I just designed a new vacuum. I'm not sure.

So I am not accustomed to voting in a big city - I've always lived in smaller communities up til now. But we voted the old-fashioned way: you slide your ballot into a sleeve and you mark an 'X' or you punch out the hole with a stylus (hence the 'hanging chads.').

But this machine was a huge contraption filled with pulls and levers, the way I imagine what the 'man behind the curtain' has in The Wizard of Oz.

Step one: Manipulate this giant red lever that sticks about three feet out of the ground and pull it to the right. And it wasn't necessarily an easy pull-I can imagine that there are some elderly or infirm who have troubles with this step.

Step 2: Reach up about 6 feet and twist these teeny little black levers (that are very close together and you have to shimmy your index finger in between the levers so that you can grasp and turn it) about 2mm until an 'X' appears. Repeat that step down the row until completed.

And then, on the very right bottom corner - about waist level - of this huge (4'X4') ballot is a smaller, very poorly written 'yes or no' vote on an amendment whether or not to allow veterans with disabilities to have to be approved by the DAV before receiving particular benefits, or something. The verbiage was awful.

Step 4: Push that huge red lever back to its starting position.

And when manipulating these pulls and levers, you can hear these gears and cogs twisting and shifting and ratcheting. I swear to God, I don't think I voted. I think I created a souvenir penny.

How do I know I voted? I know I saw 'X's next to my candidate, but did it go anywhere? Did I just exercise my right to masturbate? (sorry, mom) I'm freaking out!

And fortunately, I voted a straight party ticket, but I don't see how I could have voted for a Democratic president, a Green Party senator, and a Republican congressman (God forbid!) if I wanted to. Can I do that if I wanted to? It's all so complicated- I'm freaking out!

I got to go work out - my hands are shaking.

And it started--

9:30 am - I'm watching the news channel and a blurb comes across the bottom of the screen: "Columbus Ohio: reports of broken voting machines and people turning away from the polling places. Virginia: reports of malfunctioning machines and ballot boxes."

THESE ARE THE KEY STATES, PEOPLE!!!! Does anyone besides me remember the 2000 or 2004 elections and the states that were in question? It's only a matter of time before Florida comes into the fray. And I frankly can't survive 37 days (as it was in 2004) before knowing the 'results.'

OK: Now on the same channel, the newscaster says, "And a record breaking day of voter turnout, no major problems are being reported." YOU JUST REPORTED IT ON YOUR OWN CHANNEL!!!!! This is not a minor story!!! Jesus! This merits immediate investigation and reports warning us that our country is in the process of being swindled once again.

I'm going to vote right now and I've got my phone in one hand and a list of phone numbers in the other.

And a note to the conservatives out there: Are you sure you don't want gun control? Because I'm getting to that point where you don't want me to be able to bear arms -

Only in New York, kids!

So this looks like a cool thing to do: http://chanel-mobileart.com/. It's a moving art exhibit inspired by, well, a Chanel purse, but it's in a cool looking temporary pod that they break down and take around the world, and it's a gallery with a lot of contemporary art in it, and it's free. It looks like there will be a bit of a wait - they give you tickets and times at the exhibit, but quit complaining - you ain't paying for it, anyway!

DON'T

...click on my links that are people's names! They don't work! I don't know why! 'Bridge to Nowhere' - click away. 'Molly McNett' - forget about it. I was just trying to link her to her Amazon.com site. So go there yourself and buy the book. It's $10.88, for God's sake! Just buy it!

One Dog Happy, One Bob Happy

Molly McNett is one of the coolest and funniest people that I know. I went to school with her 140 years ago, yet she has maintained her girlish charm, presumedly. I haven't seen her since ISU days, but we have rekindled an email relationship (not THAT kind of relationship, perv!), and she's as delightful as she always was. The only difference is that she's now published! Well, that, and she has kids and a husband. Probably a mortgage, too. I'm not sure about that last one.

Molly is going to be at kgb Bar November 16th at 7pm to be doing a reading/signing from her BRAND NEW BOOK! Wanna go? 'Cause I'm definitely gonna be there!

Cute little piece of press I found

Exxon Mobil has posted another record-breaking quarterly profit. The oil giant earned $14.8 billion in the third quarter, the most ever by a US corporation. That’s nearly 15 percent higher than the previous record Exxon set in the second quarter. Meanwhile, Europe’s biggest oil company, Royal Dutch Shell, also reported high third quarter earnings, rising 74 percent to $10.9 billion.

And what more can I add? OOH! Haw 'bout this?

Oct. 23 (Bloomberg) -- U.S. foreclosure filings increased 71 percent in the third quarter from a year earlier to the highest on record as home prices fell and stricter mortgage standards made it harder for homeowners to sell or refinance, RealtyTrac said.
A total of 765,558 U.S. properties got a default notice, were warned of a pending auction or were foreclosed on in the quarter, the most since records began in January 2005, the Irvine, California-based seller of default data said in a statement today. Filings rose 3 percent from the second quarter and fell 12 percent in September from August as state laws created to keep people in homes slowed the pace of defaults.

Horrible Dreams

How many people think that this election is not in the process of being stolen? Well, it is. Already we're seeing early voting is being manipulated.

So this guy in Virginia, Calvin Thomas , goes into the voting booth to cast his vote for Sen. Obama. Guess what happened: the electronic voting machine cast his vote for McCain!!! Well, he immediately went out to the poll worker and she says, "Oh, it's been doing that. Just hit it again." So, after hitting it again, it still registers his vote for McCain. And again. Finally, after "several attempts," the machine lit up for Obama. AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS!!!! And then,do you know what happened? His daughter went into a different booth to vote. If you can't guess what happened, read the previous scenario and replace 'he' with 'she.' What the hell?!?!? And if it's 'been doing that,' as the poll worker said, why aren't any McCain supporters complaining of this very same thing? Pardon my French, but this is totally fucked. Totally totally totally totally fucked.

So now let's talk about those miraculous voting machines, introduced when (wait for it....) Bush was running for office. Diebold.

'But we aren't using Diebold machines this time,' you say? No, we aren't. We're using Premiere, because Diebold was too controversial. Newsflash: Diebold changed its name to Premiere after receiving tons of negative publicity from the last election! It IS Diebold!!

And do you know who the Chairman of the board for Diebold is? "Wally" O'Dell, a major contributor to the Republican party and frequent guest to the Crawford Ranch. He's also the guy that wrote a memo to Bush, stating his desire "to help Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President." In reference to W. Bush, duh.

Am I the only one here that's peeing my pants? This has got to be in Revelations somewhere!

Deep breaths. In....out.....in......out......

Theories of Palin

So I was wrong: Palin wasn't dropped from the Republican ticket after three weeks. Who'd thought she would have made it this long? Not me. I thought for sure after Troopergate, husband wanting to secede from the Union, pregnant daughters while preaching family values, Bridge to Nowhere , appointing unqualified high school classmates to government positions, her relations with Reverend Kalnin, etc. I think the RNC took into consideration that it is good to cater to the lowest common denominator. I forgot that. Or, I didn't think that we were that low.


And why would we think that Palin has the ability, after naming her kids Track, Trig, Bristol, Piper, and Willow, to make good (or even rational) decisions. I have a theory: Sarah is trying to create a family of X-Men Superheroes!! Track, with his amazing speed! Trig can compute complex mathematical equations at the speed of light! Bristol- anything she touches turns to pharmaceuticals! Piper, the ultra-sonic screamer! And Willow, who can grow really long wispy green hair! Who needs an army?! Just send the P-Men to Iran and watch the niqads fly! No more Nuclear Arms Race! No more scary Russians! No wonder John McCain picked Sarah Palin as VP - he'd be an idiot not to! This also explains why she couldn't have been vetted, what with the need for secret identities and all. How could we not have seen it?



(Note to Biden: Guess what? If you run on a platform of 'family values,' THE FAMILY IS NOT OFF LIMITS!!)

First of many thoughts

So why can't I blog?

First of all, I'm not the most computer savvy person you met. The idea of finding this website again so that I may even make a second post is already making me sweat. Not to mention my computer's limitations itself - it needs a doctor, but my fear is that this guy will be diagnosed with a terminal illness. "I'm sorry, but the news is not good. I give him six months, maybe seven, considering his age and resilience." Or worse, the doctors will have to kill it entirely, wipe his memory clean, and give me back an empty shell: a vegetable to rebuild. That may be a necessary side effect, but do I really want to spend months refilling my music library. And can I even find my Charlotte Rae CD again?



Secondly, do I really have the tenacity to upkeep this responsibility? I have tens, nay hundreds, of projects begun and unfinished. I know my weaknesses: commitment is right up there with money management. And accessorizing.

And time. While I am not the busiest person I know, I am active, and on a flex schedule, so my days vary. And I am a person of structure. Well, ideally. And, however vain it might be, my primary goal is to build myself physically, not rant. I do that without blogging, anyway. I want to look more like John Cena
than John McCain (I can't bring myself to hunt down photos of that asshole.)
For those of surfing the web for cruising purposes, I actually don't look like either. I'm much hotter.

BUT, I do like to write - that's a big plus. And I am rather witty, if I do say so myself. And just full of joie de vivre.

I live in New York - Queens. I work as a supervisor for a major tools/hardware store. I won't say the name of the store, but it sounds like Pome Lepot. It's not my career, just a job. Pays the bills, whatever.

When I'm not working, I am obsessed with music and plays. (Do see 'Celebrity Autobiography' on 72nd Street. Do see 'Spring Awakening' before it closes January 18.) I also read a lot - currently reading "Lamb" by Christopher Moore and "A Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maguire.

Turn ons: Creativity, unconventionality, random acts suddenly displaying meaning (the movies "Babel" and "Magnolia" exemplify this. Or meeting someone seemingly arbitrarily but ends up having a profound effect.) Saulo Pineyro, Ann Beaver-Witting, Molly McNett, Don Regal, Ann Jennings, Caryn Brieschke, Steve Rose, and all the other people I haven't seen in eons, but are still my dear friends. Dogs.

Turn offs: Spitting in public, bad manners, organized religion, animal abuse, famine (ewwww!). Bushes. Men that whoop and belittle women in the street (has anyone ever gotten lucky from that behavior?) Gay men never act that way in public, so straight guys - follow the lead. You already took shaved heads, tattoos, metrosexuality and piercings from us. Why not take decentness?

Anyone whp reads this, thanx! Anyone who doesn't, go to hell.

B-