Reason #37 why I don't drink, or reason #3 why I'm a jerk

There once was a guy from East Elmhurst
Who had friends and secrets he put first
His elbow he tipped
His lips went unzipped
And now he feels bad in the worst.
Way.

So you are all forewarned from this point - if you tell me something whilst I have a drink in my hand, I may reveal it later. The onus is now on you, not me. I am no longer culpable.

The office party was the other night. It was horrifying. And the problem was not with the party itself, but the expectations of the party. We were told that one of the purposes of this party was to introduce some of the younger and more urban employees to a taste of what a more respectable venue might be than the inner city clubs.

So why was there a stripper? And why did we have a comedian who couldn't utter a sentence without profanities of the genitalia? And where was the 'butlered service?' And the music was absolutely unacceptable. But thanks for bringing in 'Juicy and The Kitten' as a singing duo. I really think they were a comedy team though, because they dressed sort of cheerleader/whore-y, but were a little girthy for the costumes. And I hope to God they were drunk, because if they sing like that sober, they have absolutely no career ahead of them at all, unless it's at Home Depot. Maybe this was an interview process.

Now, had they said that this was going to be a party to introduce some of the more mature and cultured staff members to a more urban form of entertainment, it would have been understood. I wouldn't have gone, but it would have been understood.

But don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I got a keychain out of the whole ordeal.

So I mentioned to this other buddy/co-worker (A) that this other guy (B)was a looker.

And this buddy (A)mentioned that looker-guy (B)was getting some. That's all he said. But what this buddy (A) didn't know was a previous conversation I had with this mutual friend/co-worker female (C) where I was trying to pair her up with looker(B), and she (C) decided that he(B) would be someone she may enjoy knowing more intimately.

So I deduced from buddy/co-worker's (A) statement that looker-guy (B) was hooking up with female co-worker (C). I had no idea! I was shocked!

So I did not IMMEDIATELY run to (C), as one (A) may lead you to believe, to tell her I know her secret. I waited at least an hour and another shot of Dewar's before I went to (C) to tell her I know her secret.

BUT (C) couldn't wait to run to (A) to confront him with revealing her secret. But he (A) didn't really reveal anything, as he didn't know I (D, I guess) had already dropped the idea in (C)'s head in the first place about hooking up with (B).

And one of my co-workers stole a bottle of tequila in the bar. Is that supposed to be a secret, too, I wonder?